This isn’t about sex so if that’s what you were expecting I suggest you keep moving. I’ll start writing about sex once I start back having it.
I mean I am sexually submissive. I prefer to take orders rather than give them but somewhere along the line I carried that outside of the bedroom and now I’ve spent more time than I would like to admit taking orders. Oops.
I mentioned either on Twitter or in my last post that I’m kind hearted. I have not always been and I can be vicious when pushed to be, but for the most part I’m a gentle giant. It’s not even being gentle it’s just the fact that being average height and above average weight I’ve perfected the art of shrinking myself. When you’re bigger than others and people make it a point to show you how much of a flaw that is all you want is to be invisible. That was what I always strived for…I just wanted to be left alone and in the background. I remember multiple projects in school that I did most of the work for but chose to stay in the background on. I remember vividly going to two FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) conferences without presenting a project but I went because I had helped everybody else with their projects and even lead the fundraiser my school submitted. I was like the Sia of that club. (If you didn’t get that joke… here.) I but I was happy…. From being told as a kid to be ‘seen not heard’ to being a shy kid to being afraid to speak because I didn’t want to be an angry black woman to enjoying a hand around my neck to silence me during sex…. Y’all patterns are real.
I realized today that this submissive pattern has caused some problems in my life….. I’ve gotten use to be silent and smiling and nodding and being a victim. (I also realized I have a victim mentality and I don’t know how to fix that but I really need to work that out.) This goes so far against my Scorpio nature. I’ve always had a ball of fire burning in me for my many passions but I always talked myself out of following them because ‘I knew there was no way I could be that successful’. Why not? What exactly is stopping me from being as successful as the people I look up to? It’s not the drive, I’ve worked hard on multiple projects only to give up on them and myself when I didn’t get the instant gratification I was looking for.
The only thing standing between me and my own destiny is me. I thought for a while that I lacked the disciple but that’s not it. I actually fear the spotlight. Have I become the ultimate submissive? I developed a mean girl streak around middle school and had a classmate confront me about the consequences of being mean to people (funny, even after I confronted those who bullied me they didn’t seem to care. I guess I had more heart than them.) I changed my tone. I felt like climbing to the top while not tearing anyone down along the way was possible and I still do.
This is a post full of excuses. It’s another brain dump I guess. What I’m getting to is don’t be like me. Stay kind, stay humble, but do not give up on yourself for the sake of someone else’s comfort. I found this out very late but not too late. It’s never too late to chase what makes you happy. Decades are not deadlines, your age does not tell you when you have to complete your goals. So this is your permission slip, let go of excuses, stop shrinking yourself, enjoy a hand around your throat in the bedroom but never settle for it outside of that. Unless you’re into elevator sex like the 50 Shades Darker preview…. Actually no, don’t do that. Keep the kinky in the house or a parked car. Enjoy your weekend!
PS next week is going to be a different week because I’m tired of these types of posts and I’m looking to take things in a less depressing way. Stay tuned.