Random fact…. I’ve been suffering with a few things and I’m not sure where to start with this post….. I guess it’s because I’m tired and feeling all types of shitty about myself. So much for new year new me right? Sliding into the end of February same me, same insecurities.
My biggest problem right now is my depression and I’m in a bit of a spiral because I don’t know if my depression is causing my weight gain or if my weight gain is causing my depression. My life is a literal ‘what came first the chicken or the egg?’ and I’m tired of the cycle. I binge eat….. I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m bored, I eat when food is offered, I eat when food is near or far…. I’ve always done this…. I don’t know what started it…. I’ve been overweight as long as I can remember and I know that people say this but it’s my reality. I’ve been the same recorded weight since elementary school. I don’t know any weight below what was my highest weight and that is scary. I remember interventions with my mom at my pediatrician, I remember being way bigger than the other kids, I remember mom giving me slim fast with a meal that consisted of fried chicken and baked beans and a soda…… I remember fast food meals because my mom had to be at work at 5 and I didn’t get out of school until 3:30…… I remember my grandmother giving me exercise equipment for Christmas…. I remember my mom ordering my clothes from a catalog….. I know that the shorts I sleep in date back to at least 4th grade because I remember my classmates making fun of my thighs. I remember when I stopped eating at school because I was so proud of the fact that I could go all day without eating. I remember running around playing with the other kids until the day the older kids were outside with us and they talked about the way I ran and how jiggly I was….. I stopped playing then….. I spent the rest of elementary complaining about imaginary ankle, leg and foot pain. I remember the x rays, the braces, and “if she loses the weight it will stop. She’s damaging her joints”…… What I don’t remember is the food. I don’t remember wanting it or needing it…. In fact I remember not eating in public or around people because I didn’t want to be judged. I remember searching the internet for calories to my favorite foods and teaching myself to restrict them in junior high. I remember the scale in my great grandmother’s house not going high enough to register my weight and I remember praying for the day it would give me an accurate number…… I don’t remember food not playing a big role in my life but I also don’t remember when it started playing such a big role…..
I wish I could tell you even now that certain diets helped but they didn’t… I went vegan for a while and lost no weight….. The only thing that helped was the time one of my customers at my former job approached me about a ‘nutritional shake system’ that he sold and he thought it would help me. It did but I was also working out daily, restricting meat and calories, doing Weight Watchers, and drinking two shakes a day. It was a lot and I did it for a few months and only lost 20 lbs. Ugh!
I don’t know what the point of this post is. Maybe it’s just a brain dump because I’ve eaten my weight in cookies today or the fact that I’ve downloaded a running app knowing damn well I don’t run but I have a free 7 day trial. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m just tired of hating myself despite the amount of body positivity I surround myself with. Maybe it’s because I don’t see bodies that look like mine in the body positivity community.
I definitely need to focus on myself, loving myself and being positive to myself. This is the “Year of You” right? I really haven’t been practicing that and I have nobody to apologize to but myself. I definitely need to get back on the self love train. I found myself crying to (yes, to) my vision board the other day because I felt lost and all I wanted was answers. That reminds me I need to do a final update on my vision board refresh because I’m in love with my current board. It’s realistic and can be modified easily.
I’m writing this at 1:00 on Sunday morning and I’ve finally reached the point where I can sleep. If you’ve made it this far then leave me some words of encouragement and what you do to practice self love. I thank all of you for reading this and I hope your year if off to a better start than mine.